The thought of the day….
I am an addict.
Not the kind that you think.
I am the person who overeats. I will be honest. I’ve had a lot going on in my life with my family that has allowed me to completely indulge in the expression “comfort food” and I’ve pretty much have had enough. I can’t stand who I’ve become anymore. Everyday for a foodie as I will affectionately call myself, I grapple with how I can get around to thinking it’s OK if I have a piece of coffee cake at 11 in the evening. Or I grapple with the idea that if I eat past 8 pm, as long as it is crackers I’m ok. I’ve got to stop this way of thinking. Food has always been the one thing in my life that is completely constant. It brings me a satisfying rush of glut. But it only lasts a little while, much like a drug high, and then I’m off for the next hit, which in my case is a reces peanut butter cup. As I type this, a pack of them is in my drawer to my right. I am fighting within myself to NOT take eat them. It’s a daily fight. I am no different than a drug addict. I say this because I’ve been battling the food drug for many a year. But I admit I do need help.
Food was always a way of comfort for everything in my life. I wasn’t treated well in any of my surroundings during school. Not that I’m expecting sympathy, I just want to give you an idea as to why I am the way that I am. It’s really hard. Really. Truly. I have had problems time and time again. Been on diet after diet. Trying to impress this guy or that. Trying to boost the unhappy side of me. And that is something I have to stop. Because if I’m trying to impress others, I will have a hole in myself that I will never fill. I will never be happy. I don’t know why I feel entitled to type how I feel in a blog. Maybe becauese I know I don’t have to see people face to face so as long as I have the blog, I’m the wizard behind the curtain, so to speak. I wish they had little coins for people who want to eat less and live a better lifestyle. Because I’d be all of that. I would probably hang it around my neck as a constant reminder.
So I’m going to try. A 12 step program if you will. A way to not eat but so much and to completely cut myself off from food after 8 pm. I don’t know how on earth this is going to work. I battle myself all the time. There is a very good chance I might even fall off the wagon a gazillion times. But I’m still going to keep trying.
I’m just stubborn like that.
