Backtracking.
I’m sitting at work and I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.
Please pardon my previous blog, fore I was in a very bad place. I’m usually in a very bad place but I am able to contain myself and prepare myself for the next day. But that particular night, was just no good for my state of mind.
So I’m trying to figure out why I hurt so much. My body hurts. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. I’m in pain a lot. Everyday in fact. Emotionally, physically, and just all around. I’m a good person. I really am. I’ve just been incredibly off and down. It flip flops back and forth. Lately it’s been really really bad. I don’t know what to make of life right now. I am at a crossroads in my life. I’m not even really that old. I could start over. But starting over requires money and it requires me to move. I can’t do that right now. Or ever for that matter. I just don’t get it. I would like to be happy for ONE day. Just one day. But I can’t even find the energy to put on a happy face around others. I’ve never been a forcer. I don’t force myself to do what I don’t want to do. And why should I pretend everything is shimmery and gold like when I know in my fucked up head of heads, it’s not. It’s not fair to myself or my state to just put a bow on a bigger problem of why I’m bummed all the time. More people should act how they feel. Because I bet, in the long run, most people are truly sad, like me. That makes me laugh lol.
I listen to a little of everything. But let’s face it. Most people are drawn to sad stuff. No one wants to listen to happy go lucky music allll the time. It’s not how life is reflected for most people. We are living in a time of economic distress, senseless wars, unemployment and unplanned pregnancies are on the rise. So music should reflect that. Why be happy when you know it’s not? So music should reflect the mood. Now if you’re one of the few happy ones, then congrats. I salute you. But if you’re living paycheck to paycheck, worried about your next meal, worried about being alone, using food as a crutch and such, then you’re in the majority of saddies like myself. Congrats! You my friends are NOT alone. All the Ray LaMontagnes, the Shelby Lynnes, the Coldplays, the Conor Obersts of the world..you all strike a chord with people because guess what? Life, for a good chunk, is just sad. So they will ALWAYS have a job singing. Because there will always be a good group of us that pretty much feel the same way. So for that, I thank you all.
There are a lot of things of my life that haven’t been the greatest moments of my life. Ridicule for my weight, ridicule for being a nerd, ridicule for being Black and liking rock music. Not being around kids growing up. My parents always surrounding me by adults, never letting me play in the front yard. I lived a very sheltered life. Where did that get me? I missed out on a lot. I studied hard, never really partied or drank or was a kid for that matter. There were no excuses for messing up. I guess in their way, they meant well. But in the long run, it has greatly greatly hindered me. You know that movie with Sandra Bullock called “The Net?” You know how her character worked from home? Ordered EVERYTHING from home? Even a pizza? That’s me. That’s how I am. I work my butt off just to come home to nothing but a dvd and a computer to order things online. I’m such a great person you know…Sometimes I don’t think God really gave me the gifts to be popular anyway. Or I could just blame the folks again.
Will it ever end?
