Jeff Lewis, will you marry me?

I love flawed people. I really do. I don’t feel so alone when I see there are others just as messed up as I am. Especially if the people who are just as messed up are well to do financially. I love specials on television or so called reality shows that deal with people who are so messed up and maniacal that I instantly develop crushes on them. I can’t get enough. Now, the reason why I do is because: I am a walking contradiction. I don’t sleep well. I don’t eat right. I go on binges. I feel alone. I feel damaged. Like I was a mistake. Like I walk around wondering why the fuck I’m here for the most part. So of COURSE it makes sense that I watch television shows that are filled with people who are a little worse off than I am emotionally speaking.

That being said. I love Jeff Lewis.

Who is Jeff Lewis you ask? He is the main character in a show on Bravo called, “Flipping Out.” He flips homes. Or he did. Before the economy went haywire. Now he designs the insides of homes. Yeah, poor baby. What a rough life. Anyhoo. He is very flawed. He is bi polar. He says things without thinking of how people might take it. He doesn’t like to get emotional. He doesn’t like to show affection. He doesn’t smile that much but when he does, it’s the greatest thing on the planet to see. Now, I know I have no chance with this guy because he’s gay. But I’d be his fake wife anytime. I don’t want to have sex with him. I just want to follow him around and try to fix him. He’s sarcastic. He’s passive aggressive. But I LOVE that. I love how much of a fuck up he is. And for him to admit he’s wrong, you’d better go out and look to see if pigs are flying because that would happen before he ever says he’s sorry. And I like that about him. Tonight is his season finale and I have to say I am very very sad he won’t be on for a good while. I don’t understand why cable channels don’t have 22 eps of shows that are just this weird. He’s also maniacal in the sense that he is so passive aggressive, he will always make sure he’s right no matter what. I wish I had his balls to be that assertive. Unfortunately I do not.

I don’t know if I could ever WORK for Jeff Lewis. Because I’d have to kill him. He’s annoying as hell. But I would like to be his friend. Because honestly as aggravating as he is, I love him to pieces. That kind of sounds like a marriage right?

Right?

Some Kind of Monster.

Metallica.

The name alone conveys a destructive energy one can’t fight. I mean, say it with me..”METAAALLLICAAA.” If you say it enough, you get pumped. you want to break stuff. You want to get your frustrations out. It conveys a sense of urgency. A sense of doom. A sense of destruction. A sense of “I’m not going to take it anymore.” I was never a big fan of the band because of these reasons..at least years ago. They were loud, they were scary, they had long hair. hen I was a kid Metallica was the antithesis to my views of music.

Then I turned 18.

Teenage years suck. Let’s face it. Unless you have a whole lot of money. And a lot of power. Being a teen is pretty horrible. At 16, I started changing my listening tastes a little. And then I started listening to “Enter Sandman” a song that was popular when I was say…13. I didn’t pay too much attention to it. I just thought they were white dudes with long hell that screamed. But then as I got older, I revisited the song. I was amazed. By the time I got back into the song, I was picking and prodding the song. I was listening to everything..the bass, the drums, the riffs..it was incredible. It was so full of energy, yet at the same time, rage and frustration with the little kid that is scared to death of the sandman. I was definitely becoming a fan. I couldn’t get over the riffs. They were just amazing. The whole band. Soon I began listening to other Metallica songs, just to cope with how I was feeling. I didn’t really listen to the words, I was just enamored with the music pushing the words into my ears, forcing me to listen. I was hooked. Completely. Hooked. I couldn’t get over listening to a band called “Metallica.” If someone who knew me at 11 said at some point, I would be listening to hard, fast, metal, I would have looked at them like they lost their minds.

I will fast forward a bit. To an album they released that got so much flak, it was rediculous. St. Anger. Now, this wasn’t a fantastic album. It wasn’t like the Black album. It wasn’t even like Garage, Inc. There was as much rage as ever, but it wasn’t as fast as one thought. The drums sounded like pings..ping ping ping..like a pinball machine. But I still liked it. I didn’t like the whole thing, but I did like some of it. One song in particular..”Some Kind of Monster.” That should have been the title track. Not so much st. anger. Which reminds me, I need a new tattoo..anyhooters.. Some Kind of Monster is a song I never heard on the radio. But it’s a true Metallica song through and through. The Lyrics speak for themselves:

This is the beating you’ll never know
These are the lips that taste no freedom
This is the feel thats not so safe
This is the face you’ll never change
This is the god that ain’t so pure
This is the god that is that pure
This is the voice of silence no more.

This is how I feel on a nightly basis. I feel like this song completely speaks to me in a way no one could ever ever understand. This is what keeps me going. I’m depressed and I realize this. I need to see the doctor but with Metallica..they are my therapists. They are what I need to get by. And this song was my theme song for a good year of my life. That and “Frantic.” I really think the cd wasn’t given a fair shot in some regards. And in others I think it was. It wasn’t fast paced completely. But the lyrics to this song make me want to smash a wall. Over and over again. And after it’s over, I step back into myself, and live my life. And back into reality.

And this is why I love music.

Music. And Me.

I thought I would make a list of new tunes that I’m currently enjoying. I’ve been on quite a music kick lately. I’ve got to stop spending money on mp3s, but I can’t help it. It’s my comfort food. AND I have comfort food, real comfort food, which I blogged about a few blogs ago. I always feel a wee bit better with music. It’s a temporary fix, but music has always been my trigger. I can absolutely get away from my problems. Sometimes I think about being a rockstar, and how much I’ve really fucked up my life when I should have gotten a job that gave me more respect. But I digress. Music has always been there for me. The great thing about music is that it doesn’t care what color you are, what your gender is, who you love. It’s always there for you. There’s something for everybody. I can’t say magazines do that. Or newspapers, or coffee. Everyone complains about something at some point. But music is the one steady rock I have in my sub par life. So that being said, I have a small list of tunes that the imaginary people reading this blog should vibe too. And enjoy, if they want. Or at least take a listen to rip on. Either way, they pass the time.

1. Diane Birch -Bible Belt. Despite it being called Bible Belt, there isn’t anything religious on the cd. If you are a fan of Carole King, or Norah Jones, or even Natalie Merchant, this is a great cd. Her voice is soothing at times, and even harsh in others. I enjoy listening to this when I just want to relax. It is a sleeper hit. I know she has a name in the independent music circuit, but she should break out at some point.

2. Billy Boy On Poison-Drama Junkie Queen. This is a rock band, pure and simple. If you enjoy Jet, this is right up your alley. The songs are short, to the point, a bit distorted but all the way rock n’ roll with a side of muted strings for dessert. It’s truly a finely crafted rock album. I highly recommend it. Listen to the track “On My Way.” It could definitely be a White Stripes tune musically. Better yet, the lead singer should do a song with ol’ Jack. THAT would be excellent.

3. Black Eyed Peas-The E.N.D. There’s nothing really TOO new about this album. It’s definitely a party album, from start to finish. Never a dull moment. The only real new thing is the whole club direction, with hints of electronica thrown in. But the bass is absolutely nasty. And no matter how much crap they get, they will still have a fan in me. It’s a party, pure and simple in BEP’s eyes and we’re all along for the ride. They’re simple lyrically but the music that backs the lyrics go a long long way.

4. A Fine Frenzy-Bomb in a Birdcage. This is AFF’s second album and let me tell you, it’s a very very nice departure from her first cd. Not that the first one wasn’t good, but it was so slow moving and very very very depressing. This one is a little faster paced. “Bird Away” and “Blow Up in the Summer” make me think of a cool summer day with a never-ending sky of blue. Her voice makes me feel like anything is possible in life, which as we all know, is just not the case. But I give it a definite B plus. Fine work from a Fine Frenzy.

Ok…I’ll leave you with these 4 for now. Check back every so often and I’ll update.

What Now?

My dad passed away on Sept. 8th, 2009.

No matter how many times I type that or say that, I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it. It’s something everyone has to go through for the loved ones in their lives. I have friends who have lost parents so they know what I’m going through. But it’s also very hard to try and pick up the pieces. My dad had been through hell, so of course I know that we all should be relieved he is out of pain. And I am. My mom is too. But we also miss him. Dearly. Part of me is relieved. And then I get the guilt of being relieved that usually follows. In 2002 he had a terrible car accident – punctured lungs, broken bone in vertebrae, concussion, broken ribs, heart problem, the works. It’s amazing that he survived THAT. But I’ll be honest. After that, his health pretty much deteriorated. He was in and out of hospitals for the next 7 years – blisters, gangreene, masses in his joints that prevented him to bend elbows and knees, pneumonia, blood clots, the works. AGAIN. It seemed  no sooner he came home, he’d be good for a few months and then bam back to the hospital for something.

It has come to my realization that the docs just put band aids on him to keep him going for 7 years. What kills me more than anything is that his mind was still active. And in tact. And he had his wits. But his body just shut down. He was 71. The day he died, I got a frantic call from my mom, who I had JUST dropped off at the hospital, and she informed me that he had a heart attack following a procedure that was to determine WHY he had pneumonia for the 3rd time this year. He had it in Jan., in April, and now. They performed one more procedure, to insert a line to open his heart to see if there were clots, which there were none. In the process, his lungs, which were already overflowing with fluid due to the pneumonia filled up again. They couldn’t extract any oxygen. The lungs had pretty much given up. He was on every machine imaginable. When my mom and I went to see him, I have a feeling he was gone then, and the doctors knew it but still wanted to try and try and try. It was devastating to see the doctor beating on his chest as we walked by. I thought my mom was going to drop in my arms. It’s not something I wish on anyone.

Anyone.

And we said our goodbyes. I will always remember that day. Afterwards it’s a blur. We had so many people to call. So many people to contact to get his affairs in order, which, by the way, we’re still doing. But on Monday, we buried him. He looked like he was smiling, but I know he wasn’t. That was just due to how they adjusted his face with the dentures. I knew that was his body and all, but his spirit wasn’t there anymore.

As a kid, funerals scared the shit out of me. I will be honest, I had this obsession with death, even as a kid. Even now, Edgar Allen Poe is my favorite author next to Augusten Burroughs. I always wondered. Being an only kid and all, what would happen when my parents passed away. I am thankful that a higher power at least kept them around til my adult years. I just couldn’t understand when someone passes away, how they just didn’t move. Or their eyes didn’t open. I couldn’t fathom it as a kid. But it’s something I didn’t tell my folks about it because I was already a weirdo so I didn’t want to end up on a shrink’s couch or something. Now that one of my parents isn’t there anymore, I can take funerals a little better. But what I hate is the image. The image of the coffin closing. The image of the servicemen folding the flag and giving it to my mom (my dad served in the army). I can’t shake seeing his face in a suit and tie, hands folded. It just about kills me inside, heart in a million pieces.

So now that my mom and I have begun living, I am left with the question of “now what?” What do we do? I guess we keep living. It’s what he’d want us to do.

But it’s so hard, when he’s not there.

The thought of the day….

I am an addict.

Not the kind that you think.

I am the person who overeats. I will be honest. I’ve had a lot going on in my life with my family that has allowed me to completely indulge in the expression “comfort food” and I’ve pretty much have had enough. I can’t stand who I’ve become anymore. Everyday for a foodie as I will affectionately call myself, I grapple with how I can get around to thinking it’s OK if I have a piece of coffee cake at 11 in the evening. Or I grapple with the idea that if I eat past 8 pm, as long as it is crackers I’m ok. I’ve got to stop this way of thinking. Food has always been the one thing in my life that is completely constant. It brings me a satisfying rush of glut. But it only lasts a little while, much like a drug high, and then I’m off for the next hit, which in my case is a reces peanut butter cup. As I type this, a pack of them is in my drawer to my right. I am fighting within myself to NOT take eat them. It’s a daily fight. I am no different than a drug addict. I say this because I’ve been battling the food drug for many a year. But I admit I do need help.

Food was always a way of  comfort for everything in my life. I wasn’t treated well in any of my surroundings during school. Not that I’m expecting sympathy, I just want to give you an idea as to why I am the way that I am. It’s really hard. Really. Truly. I have had problems time and time again. Been on diet after diet. Trying to impress this guy or that. Trying to boost the unhappy side of me. And that is something I have to stop. Because if I’m trying to impress others, I will have a hole in myself that I will never fill. I will never be happy. I don’t know why I feel entitled to type how I feel in a blog. Maybe becauese I know I don’t have to see people face to face so as long as I have the blog, I’m the wizard behind the curtain, so to speak. I wish they had little coins for people who want to eat less and live a better lifestyle. Because I’d be all of that. I would probably hang it around my neck as a constant reminder.

So I’m going to try. A 12 step program if you will. A way to not eat but so much and to completely cut myself off from food after 8 pm. I don’t know how on earth this is going to work. I battle myself all the time. There is a very good chance I might even fall off the wagon a gazillion times. But I’m still going to keep trying.

I’m just stubborn like that.

Songs of summer

One of my favorite websites for music and hearing new tunes is Pitchfork.com. And the people at Pitchfork have done an ovewhelming task of creating a top 500 songs of summer. Now I’m in no way going to compile a list of 500 songs. I could. I really could. I’m not even going to put a number on my list. I mean I will not have a “Top (number here) songs of summer. These are simply my songs that I have on cds or my ipod or both. So sit back imaginary readers and enjoy the songs of summer. In NO particular order EXCEPT – aha!! Yes, there is an exception. I do have a #1 Songs of Summer. It’ll be in there. Keep your eyes peeled:

And why do people say, “keep your eyes peeled?” Do they want people to physically peel their eyes open? Weird.

Madonna – Holiday

Michael Jackson-Beat It

5th Dimension-Age of Aquarius

Del Shannon – Runaway

Janet Jackson – Escapade

The Doors – Whiskey Bar

Linkin Park – Given Up

Velvet Revolver -Sucker Train Blues

Led Zeppelin – Whole Lotta Love

Linda Perry – Uninvited

Guns n’ Roses – Welcome To the Jungle

R.E.M. – Crush with Eyeliner

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Give It Away

Beastie Boys – Intergalactic

Antigone Rising – Hollow

Moby – Southside

Ice Cube – Wicked

Good Charlotte – The River

The Decemberists – We Both Go Down Together

U2 – Stand Up Comedy

Dave Matthews Band – You Might Die Trying

Michael Jackson – She’s Drivin’ Me WIld

Fall Out Boy – This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arms Race

Hall and Oates – I Can’t Go for That

The Monkees – Salesman

Metallica – Obey Your Master

Godsmack – Keep Away

Rob Thomas – Streetcorner Symphony

John Lennon – Imagine

Mariah Carey – Dreamlover

DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince – Summertime

Anita Ward – Ring My Bell

Simply Red – Holding Back the Years

Boston – More Than a Feeling

Justin Timberlake – Like I Love you

Bananarama – Cruel Summer

Janet Jackson – If

Avril Lavigne – Girlfriend

Beyonce – Single Ladies

The Cardigans – Lovefool

The Clash – Spanish Bombs

The Go-Gos- Our Lips Are Sealed

D’angelo – How Does It Feel (Untitled)

The Supremes – Reflections

The 69 Eyes – Wrap Your Troubles in Dreams

Jason Mraz – Geek in the Pink

The Police – Message in a Bottle

Duran Duran – Rio

The Who – Reign O’er Me

Salt n’ Pepa – Push It

Antigone Rising – Push It (not the same song)

Spin Doctors – Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong

Michelle Branch – Are You Happy Now?

Sheryl Crow – All I Wanna Do

Hootie And The Blowfish – Hold My Hand

Primus – My Name Is Mudd

Alice In Chains – Would

Pearl Jam – Even Flow

Joe Cocker – Feelin’ Alright

Babyface – Whip Appeal

Outkast – Hey Ya

Robbie Williams – Rock DJ

Kylie Minogue – Fever

Warren G. – Regulate

Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun

Rage Against The Machine – Killing in the Name of

Madonna – Music

Ray Charles – Nighttime

Sade – Sweetest Taboo

Jane’s Addiction – Been Caught Stealing

Soul Coughing – Circles

Harry Connick, Jr. – Whisper Your Name

The Rolling Stones – Sympathy of the Devil

The Runaways – Cherry Bomb

Celine Dion – That’s The Way It Is

Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Johnny Hates Jazz – Shattered Dreams

Mister Mister – Kyrie

My Morning Jacket – Z

Death Cab for Cutie – I Will Follow You Into the Dark

Boyz II Men – Sympin’ Remix

Bell Biv DeVoe – Poison

Trapt – Headstrong

The White Stripes – Doorbell

Christina Aguilera – Dirrty

Fort Minor – Petrified

Marvin Gaye – I Want You

Common – Testify

#1. TLC – Ain’t Too Proud to Beg

And there you have it.

I just wanna sleep

I don’t remember exactly when I had trouble sleeping. I’ve said that it stems from my dad’s accident in 02. But it was before that. I can remember having to get up at a quarter til 6 in the morning to get to work by 8:00 am on a bus for a job I wasn’t supposed to be there for til 8:30 – without overtime pay for showing up a half an hour earlier. I would go to sleep around 1:30 or 2 in the morning. I wish I could sleep like a normal person. It’s just one more thing that bothers the hell out of me about myself. I just can’t sleep. I’ve tried to lay down early. I’ve tried not to take naps. Which is bad because I really do enjoy napping. I don’t know what it’s going to take to get me to sleep like a normal person. But I just wish I could.

I’m going to be year older on Friday. And I feel like…I’ve had enough. I want to change. But it’s so damn hard when it’s the same thing all around me. I worry about myself. And my family. And my friends. I want to change.  Starting with sleep. I just want to sleep. Maybe start slow. 7 hours would be nice. But I’d settle for 6. So I ask you God. I will ask for your help. I need your help. I need sleep. I need a lot of things, but I think I need your help more.

I must tell myself…everday:

I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And people like me.

..except where it counts.

Backtracking.

I’m sitting at work and I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.

Please pardon my previous blog, fore I was in a very bad place. I’m usually in a very bad place but I am able to contain myself and prepare myself for the next day. But that particular night, was just no good for my state of mind.

So I’m trying to figure out why I hurt so much. My body hurts. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. I’m in pain a lot. Everyday in fact. Emotionally, physically, and just all around. I’m a good person. I really am. I’ve just been incredibly off and down. It flip flops back and forth. Lately it’s been really really bad. I don’t know what to make of life right now. I am at a crossroads in my life. I’m not even really that old. I could start over. But starting over requires money and it requires me to move. I can’t do that right now. Or ever for that matter. I just don’t get it. I would like to be happy for ONE day. Just one day. But I can’t even find the energy to put on a happy face around others. I’ve never been a forcer. I don’t force myself to do what I don’t want to do. And why should I pretend everything is shimmery and gold like when I know in my fucked up head of heads, it’s not. It’s not fair to myself or my state to just put a bow on a bigger problem of why I’m bummed all the time. More people should act how they feel. Because I bet, in the long run, most people are truly sad, like me. That makes me laugh lol.

I listen to a little of everything. But let’s face it. Most people are drawn to sad stuff. No one wants to listen to happy go lucky music allll the time. It’s not how life is reflected for most people. We are living in a time of economic distress, senseless wars, unemployment and unplanned pregnancies are on the rise. So music should reflect that. Why be happy when you know it’s not? So music should reflect the mood. Now if you’re one of the few happy ones, then congrats. I salute you. But if you’re living paycheck to paycheck, worried about your next meal, worried about being alone, using food as a crutch and such, then you’re in the majority of saddies like myself. Congrats! You my friends are NOT alone. All the Ray LaMontagnes, the Shelby Lynnes, the Coldplays, the Conor Obersts of the world..you all strike a chord with people because guess what? Life, for a good chunk, is just sad. So they will ALWAYS have a job singing. Because there will always be a good group of us that pretty much feel the same way. So for that, I thank you all.

There are a lot of things of my life that haven’t been the greatest moments of my life. Ridicule for my weight, ridicule for being a nerd, ridicule for being Black and liking rock music. Not being around kids growing up. My parents always surrounding me by adults, never letting me play in the front yard. I lived a very sheltered life. Where did that get me? I missed out on a lot. I studied hard, never really partied or drank or was a kid for that matter. There were no excuses for messing up. I guess in their way, they meant well. But in the long run, it has greatly greatly hindered me. You know that movie with Sandra Bullock called “The Net?” You know how her character worked from home? Ordered EVERYTHING from home? Even a pizza? That’s me. That’s how I am. I work my butt off just to come home to nothing but a dvd and a computer to order things online. I’m such a great person you know…Sometimes I don’t think God really gave me the gifts to be popular anyway. Or I could just blame the folks again.

Will it ever end?

There are times..

I wish I didn’t care…I wish I was just one of those free spirits that just don’t care about anyone or anything. No regrets, no second thoughts, no worry in the world. It would be nice.

It would be very nice. Instead I am stuck with a conscience. I am stuck with a heart and common sense.

Sometimes. I really hate me.

I just want respect. I just want to be appreciated. I don’t get that. Not where it counts. This feeling usually hits me at night. When I’m by myself. It just sucks. I think I was completely and utterly wired wrong.

I hate the night time.

I hate how my brain works overtime in thinking about things that are beyond my control.

I hate life. And I don’t think anyone has any idea truly how I feel. No one could. Sometimes I think God made a mistake with me. I really do.